chaos

is this the new normal?

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the cliff in Bournemouth I was at last Sunday for communion, songs and prayer

I've lost count of how many times I've been to London this year. I considered counting but realised I not only didn't have it in me, but also didn't want it to rob the little I had left. I knew from back in November that this year was bound to be hectic but still somehow underestimated to what degree. I do not intend to rant about how much of a hedonistic hellhole the capital can be (despite there being some that may vehemently agree with this statement lol), but instead to simply reflect on an aspect of my life lately.

I spent the better part of 5 years there for uni. Half a decade. It really sinks in when I put it that way. I went there a boy and left a manchild. I still don't believe I have truly matured into a man, but let's save that discourse for another time. I have so many fond memories, many lasting friendships forged, many lessons learned. I learnt how to season food. A flat mate of mine when I first moved there described the chicken breast fillets I was cooking as "whiter than these walls", something I tried my best not to take personally but rather as an opportunity to learn from them what paprika, cumin and Dunn's river all purpose truly were for. The rest is history.

London was my home, and it still holds a special place in my heart. I would not be the person I am today without the experiences I gained whilst studying there. I recently came back from a stag in Bournemouth with a close friend that I met in my first year there. We all took communion together, sang some worship songs and prayed on a cliff. A moment I shall cherish as long as my memory serves me well. A moment that came to be due to a series of events I could never have engineered even if I tried. But it all started from making it into Brunel on clearing day.

I hope by now that it is clear that I do not in fact harbour any hatred in my heart towards London. My main gripe is that Birmingham is my home now, as it was prior to being a student, but I feel constantly dragged away from my place of peace and stability and onto a nightmarish merry-go-round that seems to speed up incessantly, almost in tune with my increasing desire of it relenting.

Of course I do indeed have free will, and am fully capable of staying at home, however life can make it feel like the choice has been made for me. Weddings, stags, suit fittings, work, gigs. So much excitement to look forward to, yet so much lost and missed. Maybe I am getting old but I find myself more drawn to the mundane, seeing something so beautiful about the monotony of life, in doing the same thing again and again.

Dinner with my parents round the table, church on Sunday mornings in aston, waking up in my own bed, grabbing a pint at that dingy but familiar place with those friends every so often (you know who you are ⚔️). Football on Mondays at 8pm. These are the things that anchor me, that bring me peace and joy, there are so many more that I could list out, and they all would have a similar theme. They are all part of what makes this place home for me.

And my loss of routine and rhythm is a tough price to pay to maintain the other aspects of my life that Birmingham is unable to hold.

Sadly.

Sometimes I wish that all these things I go elsewhere for could just come to Birmingham. Which obviously brings up the question that I keep hearing more and more lately:

"When are you moving to London?"

Maybe I wrote all this as an answer. But I don't think this will be a truly satisfactory response to all that may ask.

Sucks to be them I guess 🤷🏽‍♂️

Mind you, there was a time where I eagerly awaited my next visit, like a child eating their advent calendar chocolates daily in anticipation of Christmas day. But somewhere along the way the novelty wore off, much quicker than one would expect. It somehow transformed from an expedition, an adventure, to a chore, an obligation.

Sometimes the changes in seasons of life aren't always easy to define, but rather blend gradually. Maybe you can also reflect on something you used to be fonder of but has become all too familiar and taxing. Or maybe you have the blessing of not resonating with this experience.

Yet…

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