eliminate
some things we must be ruthless to, others not so much...
I'm starting to view life as the moments in-between writing. This epiphany must have been waiting below the surface for a while but was bound to eventually emerge. I needed to capture it before it burrowed itself like a botfly, like many before it have.
This first began occuring to me as I lay awake this morning pondering. In my friends flat in north London.
We played catan last night (well, colonist). I came 2nd. I blamed someone else for taking a deal that threw the game. Maybe I would've won had the deal not been done. This blissful ignorance soothes my pain of failure.
I spoke with the deal taker later. He asked me about the blog. I can't remember the exact question. All I can recall is how it felt to talk about writing. I shared how it frees me, how the more I do it the more I find myself. How it feels like everything in my life has prepared me for this. How I feel destined to write. I could feel my passion grow as I reclined on the sofa sharing these things with him, becoming evermore certain with each word uttered, like a soldier hardening their resolve with each foot they place in front of the other into battle.
My past self spent too long ice skating the surface of life afraid of falling under, unsure whether they would die of drowning or shock. They didn't realise they could swim. They didn't realise that in the deafening silence of being underwater that truths could be uncovered. They didn't realise they were never meant to be above the surface, that they had been slowly dying of a disease.
Known as hurry.
If I never slowed down this blog never would have began. If I didn't choose to face my fears of emotions I never would have posted any draft. If I had kept numbing my brain on social media I'd still be gasping for air.
Air that was poisoning my lungs.
So much happens every single day. In all of our lives. So much that can be savoured. One leaf of a tree can be dwelled upon and not lose it's allure. The time spent dwelling upon it could inspire so much. A painting, a song, a dance, a poem, an outfit, a business plan.
A smile.
If we only chose to find a moment to savour! To allow something to dwell. To sit and not be moved. Something that can feel so alien in this modern world.
"Acceleration becomes a secular substitute for eternity"
- Social Acceleration, Hartmut Rosa
And so in my effort to deny this damaging ideology (for to conform to this is to die whilst living), I sit on yet another train, where writing of this nature began, placing a clear divide between moments.
I implore all this reaches to find their destiny, the act that makes your life make more sense. With urgency! Before those epiphanies flit by, swallowed by the disease.