mend
that which breaks is not always designed to remain in that state
my heart is too full to ache. these last 3 weeks or so have blessed me with so many memories. these are the days! I was a groomsman for the 9th time. I got to see beautiful sights along the west coast road tripping to San Francisco. I drove on the wrong side of the road for the first time. I got to bond with the boys on this adventure. I made some new friends. I reunited with old ones on the other coast, meeting their third child for the first time, merely a bun in the oven last time I visited 2 years ago.
I love how you see parents reflected in their children and their personalities forming, almost feels like magic.
My travels have left me with much to be grateful about, as well as matters to ponder over. Ideas for a book, more insight on love, of all kinds: romantic, paternal, brotherly, platonic, etc.
I'm writing this on the plane home from America. The wedding was in LA. The family I visited live in virginia.
I just watched “call me by your name” on the flight. Yh maybe not everybody's cup of tea, but the monologue at the end from the father was so beautiful, irregardless of the nature of the relationship he was referring to. I may come back with a direct quote but the essence resonated with something in my soul, the idea that one must not stifle the heart as it breaks, for this also reminds of the joy that once was. This notion is one I have been trying to hold onto as I navigate this life and all its nuances, rather than battling my emotions as though they are out to get me. Instead I attempt to reckon with them and let them out. It is not my job to control them, but rather the decisions they may lead me to.
Bit random but when I was at uni and visiting home one time my mum dropped me back at the train station to go back to London. I held back the tears, I wanted to be strong. I missed home and didn't want to go back to London yet, but I didn't want to show this. Maybe she saw and understood, or maybe I did a good job at hiding it. I wished I had cried freely back then.
Years later I wasn't as "strong" and ended up crying in front of my parents. I felt so weak. In the moment it was so embarrassing. But it led to a conversation and decisions made that ultimately gave me the confidence to write about that time here, as well as learn some of the things shared here as well as other stuff.
I bought a disposable camera before my travels and lost it. So I bought two more in america and used them at the wedding, with some help from fellow guests in capturing some pics. They're currently above my head in my cabin bag. Pls check in with me in a week or so to make sure I've got them developed. I'm not making any promises to share them here, but those who have been captured know who they are.
I still get scared of my emotions, afraid to face them and attempt to decipher what they are a signal of. And I'm ok with that. They'll be waiting for me when I eventually am ready to go there.
Life is for living!
update: since writing this I have handed in the cameras to get developed. Should get an email with all the pics in a week!