Messy room. Boxes of stuff formidably stand their ground, refusing to exit my life. I don't put up a fight, instead granting them residency within my room, occasionally digging through one to find that thing within that one box that justifies them all remaining.
"you never know when you'll need
<insert obscure item that most of the time I forget exists>"
Some boxes contain things that I claim I'll eventually get round to using or finding a place for. Other items await the time when I hopefully have a place of my own and can spread my wings. Like the air fryer. My parents already have one, bigger and better than mine, so there's no point keeping both in the kitchen, countertop real estate already lucrative and in demand but in short supply.
And then there's the riff raff, the fodder. All the things that I know have no genuine use in my life anymore but don't want to throw away because that's wasteful and maybe someone else could benefit from having it. But then I never devote any time towards sifting through it all, finding new people or places for what I've accumulated over time.
And so their squatting continues, uncontended. I currently do not see this menial task as important and urgent enough to put on hold the many people I wish to see and places "I must go to". A hired hand could solve this problem, but then they would still need instructions to follow, which would still take time to know specifically, as well as time spent finding the right person for the job, which brings us back to priority (someone told me I need a secretary, something I agree with, but how will I learn if this burden is taken from me?).
Every time I see these boxes I immediately go into ostrich mode, distracting myself as quickly as I can with something, anything. Absolutely anything but this. The same goes for laundry, unpacking suitcases and bags only to repack a few days later. And probably quite a few other things...
I'm afraid of seeing how long the list would get if I sat down and began to assess the amount of life admin long overdue to be dealt with.
"it'll sort itself out"
"each day has enough trouble of its own"
I've started trying to live out the mantra "one day at a time", abbreviated to ODAAT, the name of a charity that used to help those with no fixed abode to get back on their feet and reintegrated into civilisation in a functional manner they can be proud of (they aren't around any more), a mantra I share with a good friend of mine.
There is merit to this state of mind, but also to having hopes and dreams, visions and goals, zooming out to see the current big picture and what is in my power to change about it: there are paintbrushes and materials available to me I must make myself aware of so that I can learn how I am capable of using said tools.
I can easily use ODAAT to escape the present rather than accept and embrace it's reality. The balance between not letting the future overwhelm me and understanding the butterfly effect of building healthy habits with the leverage of time in mind is often one I find hard to discern.
This reminds me of a book: atomic habits. I read maybe a chapter or two before lending to my sister (I wonder how far in she got). I recall this book crossing my mind before regarding matters of this nature. In my rebellion and pride I don't want to attribute any success or positive change towards another person, and so don't want to wait to read someone's else's opinions before at least trying to do something about what I face before me.
I've been here before. Tired of the boxes, finally not ignoring them, recognising something must be done.
But first let me:
sleep
eat
work
play
leave
pee
And then the cycle continues. Unless I break it.
Btw its 03:15 on a Sunday morning. Probably the worst time to dwell on this, let alone to organise stuff and make plans. Which would disrupt my parents sleep and delay my own rest more than I already have with ruminating.
There is a time and a place for such activities and it is not now. At times I feeI powerless to this circumstance. I sit here in my room after what was an enriching and fulfilling day but all I can think of is the boxes (and laundry tbf).
I guess after writing all this I realise that the problem is bigger than me, and deeper than just the boxes. That maybe, just maybe, I'm gonna need some help to overcome this obstacle in front of me.
I got a parking ticket in the post this week, seems they found new ways to take our moneyðŸ˜