recover
sometimes you are forced to slow down
I feel asleep at the wheel. Chewing gum used to always work whenever I got drowsy. Not this time. I thought overtaking would keep me awake. Guess not. I've pushed through before. When music would turn into noise I would switch to podcasts, stimulating a different part of my brain. I typically have haribos and twix on standby, alongside an ice cold bottle of water. This time was an oversight.
I've drifted for what felt like a second in the past with no major consequence.
My friend got engaged. He invited me to join the suprise party. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I nearly left it.
Pride convinced me that this time was no different than the others. Determination made me try to keep fatigue at bay. I had somewhere to be, there were things to prepare. I couldn't afford to be late for this. At what cost.
Seeing the sun set whilst waiting on the hard shoulder for a few hours gives you time to think. Lightly buffeted by the cars zooming past. Past performance isn’t indicative of future results.
A lot of mixed feelings. Shame & embarrassment about waking up to colliding with the barrier. Frustration with being treated like a hot potato by customer service before eventually getting towed hours later. Boredom whilst waiting to get towed. Relief that I made it out pretty unscathed all things considered, to still have my life and health. Guilt that I could've caused risk to drivers around me, as well as letting people down by not making it to the party and helping set up beforehand. But also guilt around the relief that I didn't have to make yet another trip to london, that this has weirdly granted me rest, a night with no plans except to watch match of the day and relax. Regret on missing out on this special milestone, as well as damaging my car, most likely writing it off. Overwhelmed about having to pay an excess, having to contact insurance, figure out potentially buying a new car, probably seeing an increase in my insurance premium. Loss of a car for now.
I also feel validation in saying "no" more. I feel justified in keeping more of myself. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what that looks like exactly.
I'm open to any suggestions or input on this. Currently planning to try and write a plan down and go from there, but am curious to hear how others handle setbacks in achieving their own goals. A comment,a message.
I'll take anything
“I got a flat tire” is still a hilarious 1 liner before sending that photo 😭. Glad you’re okay tho. But to reply to your last message I wrote a piece the other day which is on the area you’re talking about which could be helpful. It’s called— Faith is not contingent upon things working out. I was in a similar position to you (not with the car crash) but I think God took me through a process of truly learning that He is by my side always and how we should respond to this fact and find peace. This is the message that’s at the centre of the piece I wrote. If you’re interested and think it’ll be helpful, feel free to give it a read. Link - https://open.substack.com/pub/josephmiller27/p/faith-is-not-contingent-upon-things?r=20x10z&utm_medium=ios
Kedis, my brother. I’m Glad you are safe man, I think in the moment your go to was to deescalate the situation as you didn’t want people to worry about you but we always will in time like this, we all try and do things on our own strength and as you and I have both found out many many times from our Brunel days that only results in poor decisions, burning out and thing that we never would have expected to happen. But went we choose to rely on God he does not let us down. Look how far you and everyone from Brunel has come out when you simple choose to rely on God, he has blessed all our lives in so many ways. Yes you weren’t able to make it yesterday but that doesn’t change anything about the part in which you have played in Ahmed’s life
This is a scripture that has always helping me to remember that God is always there for me in the good times and especially the hard times. He was there to protect you yesterday my brother, I’m so glad you got home safe 🫶🏽
Psalm 94:18-19
18 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.