spiral
despite feeling like work has been undone, I believe the unravelling reveals something else
I slipped back into the rabbit hole. I relapsed. I felt robbed of my consciousness, my sentience.
one reel here, another short there. and then it's 3am. It can't get any worse
football highlights, then the analysis, then football documentaries. ok I'm running out of time, so some football reels, memes, screenshots of tweets. now we're getting some goofy stuff. now I'm not only out of time but I'm running late. constantly. but I still haven't watched that thing that I need to watch right now otherwise I might forget about it. because it's so important. I watch it later, later bedtime. A vicious cycle, knock on effect. Where does it end
Kinda reminds of those levels in super mario that be loop if you kept choosing the incorrect path lol
My last insta post was over 8 years ago (I think). I went cold turkey. Got so much headspace back. Didn't really miss it. It wasn't an asset for me at the time, but rather a liability. And I struggled to detach my ego from anything I posted (still do lol, hence the message with the subscribe button at the bottom). It was an extension of me that craved validation, needing to be like and accepted. So I uninstalled it. But the the appetite has satiated somehow...
Along came tiktok. Need I say more? I fed that algorithm so much of me. And it felt like a fair trade. Until I realised how much of a bigger liability it has became, how it wrecked my attention span way worse than anything else. How it contributed to how desensitised I had become to any kind of media.
My friend made a bet I couldn't go a week without it. Which turned into a month, a year, and I intend for it to remain this way. I had reinstalled Instagram at some point and rebounded to reels, which I eventually uninstalled again.
I make jokes of being 2 years sober from tiktok, as though I'm better than others because of this. Friends will send me tiktoks, so I'll find a website to download the video from the link. On the odd occasion I'll use it through the browser to search something, since it has some use in specific contexts.
kinda ironic I was looking for this lol
but uninstalling the apps wasn't the solution. it doesn't matter if the browser experience isn't as smooth, I'm fiending for my dopamine. a quick glance at my bookshelf makes my eyes roll. what once held so much to explore now feels obsolete to this universe in my palm. this portal that zaps my creativity, that bends time, that gets me doing quick maths in my head and making everything else irrelevant.
there's so many more ways for me to lose myself. so many other things that can feel like an effective use of my time. so many apps that I can leave with nothing to show for.
we must be on our 4th or 5th heatwave by now. doesn't matter. I've still got those boxes formidably standing their ground. it can wait.
it's crazy how everything can feel so big and daunting the more time that passes doing nothing.
my last two posts came out half baked.
“[DRAFT - REVIEW/EDIT, ADD SOMETHING, WHAT YOUR EYES SHOULDN'T HAVE SEEN] some random title”
"I've got loads of time to edit and review these before when I've scheduled"
Whilst I was right, I procrastinated, I didn't prioritise, I didn't manage my time, I let what was right in front of me consume me. I'm tapping away on it right now, something that has enabled a pursuit of passion has also been my source of stagnation. I wanted to write weekly, and I kinda have but they got unpublished and have gathered dust since.
Radical thoughts cross my mind:
is this the purgatory reserved for me in this life, this constant cycle of deluded hope and reality?
maybe I just need a dumb phone
I should buy a typewriter and find someone to type up the paper and manage the blog for me
I refuse this next thought - parental controls. That level of intervention feels like admitting defeat. Self discipline will never be learnt if that path is chosen.
Something must change.
I know this struggle is one I don't face alone, even if at times it feels this way. This addiction has become a tenet of our society, something that if massive reform was undertaken was massively impact the capitalists that farm this attention for their gain. Attention is the new currency, a very powerful that can be leveraged when used right. Nothing shall change this.
But I guess I have to decide whether I wish to farm or be farmed.
To tap away and say what I want to be is vastly different from making intentional decisions, no matter how painful, to ensure this becomes the case.
It just felt right to have some sort of David Goggins vid in here somewhere 🤣
Reading this back makes me see this as more of an issue of resolve and vision than screen time content consumed. But I wanna start more of conversation around this.
To those that can relate to my struggle, how's it going? Are you winning? How do you re-calibrate when you were doing so well until you weren't?
Any words of advice for a guy looking to cut out the noise?